I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
