i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
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All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
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THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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