My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
