I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
