Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
