Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
