I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I want a musical about memes.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
