I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
