you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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