I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
