She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
