there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
