I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
