I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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