JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
