her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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