Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
