i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
