I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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