Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
