I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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