you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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