If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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