I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
