i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
