Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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