Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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