we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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