My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
