do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
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He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
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why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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