but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
