i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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