I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
