My girlfriend figured out who you are.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
