my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
