Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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