i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
