I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
