I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
