All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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