You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
