im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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