Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
is that a dick in a sweater?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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