She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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