You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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