If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
