those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
