Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
