is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
