so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
