Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
