"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
bring money and cleavage
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize