May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
