I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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