Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
