remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
