They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
