Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
